Waking Up

May 16, 2007 at 7:35 pm (Uncategorized)

I don’t think I’d ever appreciated what waking up is. I’d never tried to remember it from start to finish, I’d never been asked how many seconds it took for me to become conscious. How does a person put a time frame on the space when they’re 50% conscious? How would a person order their memories, feelings and thoughts about a space of time when they’re 10% conscious. I can only do my jumbled best as I did later that day.

I think the first sensation I had was the narrow chair arm digging into the nape of my neck. I couldn’t understand how I’d got into this position and could feel something pressing down on me, on my upper body. I remember associating it with the feeling of my boyfriend climbing over me to go to the loo when I’m asleep. But he wasn’t moving away. I put my hand up in front of me to feel a hairless chest. I realised it was a man, but it wasn’t my boyfriend. Around the time I opened my eyes I realised that there was something in my vagina that the person on top of me was thrusting into me.

It was dimly lit in the room, perhaps just one lamp on in the opposite corner but I could see the sillohuette of his hair. It was John. I could see his face with his eyes half closed and his movement up and down. I pushed his chest hard away from me but he carried on, I did it again and he continued without saying a word just opening his eyes. The third time I pushed him very hard and he got out of me and kneeled back.

I jumped up and pulled my trousers on that were on the floor, leaving my pants to go to the door. On the way I pulled my dress and my top up which had evidently been pulled down to expose my chest, it felt sore. 

It feels strange to think it was such a quiet incident. The only words spoken were by my attacker. In a calm low voice he said “I suppose you’re going to go and make a fuss about this” I turned round to see him sitting up looking over to me with slight disgust but there was no fear whatsoever in his appearance or tone. I always thought if I was touched in a way I didn’t like I would scream and shout, hit and bite my way out of the situation. That I would want to cause pain to the person who had done it to me. But it wasn’t like that at all. I just wanted to be far away from him, and to touch him as little as possible to get out of the situation.

 I closed the door firmly behind me.


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